Excerpt from book:

Chapter One: Saying the Four Things

Please forgive me.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

I love you.

These four simple statements are powerful tools for improving your relationships and your life. As a doctor caring for seriously ill patients for nearly 15 years of emergency medicine practice and more than 25 years in hospice and palliative care, I have taught hundreds of patients who were facing life's end, when suffering can be profound, to say the Four Things. But the Four Things apply at any time. Comprising just eleven words, these four short sentences carry the core wisdom of what people who are dying have taught me about what matters most in life.

The Wisdom of Stating the Obvious

Ask a man who is being wheeled into transplant surgery or a woman facing chemotherapy for the third time what's on his or her mind and the answer will always involve the people they love. Always.

The specter of death reveals our relationships to be our most precious possessions. I've lost count of the number of times I've met people in my office, an emergency room, or a hospice program who have expressed deep regret over things they wish they had said before a grandparent, parent, sibling, or friend died. They can't change what was, but without fail their regrets have fueled a healthy resolve to say what needs to be said before it's too late -- to clear away hurt feelings, to connect in profound ways with the people who mean the most to them.

Everyone knows that all relationships, even the most loving, have occasional rough spots. We assume that the people we love know that we love them, even if we've had our disagreements and tense moments. Yet when someone we love dies suddenly, we often have gnawing doubts.

We are all sons or daughters, whether we are six years of age or ninety-six. Even the most loving parent-child relationship can feel forever incomplete if your mother or father dies without having explicitly expressed affection for you or without having acknowledged past tensions. I've learned from my patients and their families about the painful regret that comes from not speaking these most basic feelings. Again and again, I've witnessed the value of stating the obvious. When you love someone, it is never too soon to say, "I love you," or premature to say, "Thank you," "I forgive you," or "Will you please forgive me?" When there is nothing of profound importance left unsaid, relationships tend to take on an aspect of celebration, as they should.

A deep, natural drive to connect with others lies at the heart of what it means to be human. The Four Things can help you discover opportunities to enliven all your important relationships -- with your children, parents, relatives, and close friends. You need not wait until you or someone you love is seriously ill. By taking the time and by caring enough to express forgiveness, gratitude, and affection, you can renew and revitalize your most precious connections.

The Practice of Good-bye

It's been said that life is a sexually transmitted condition with a terminal prognosis. Having worked for years in close proximity to death, I have come to understand viscerally that we live every moment on the brink. We are, each one of us, at every moment, a heartbeat away from death. Seen against the backdrop of our certain mortality, our differences are dwarfed by our commonality -- and the importance we hold for one another.

arThe stories in The Four Things That Matter Most are drawn from the experiences of people who have stood at death's door, and from their loved ones who learned to use the Four Things in their own daily lives. These stories inspire us to open to the potential for emotional wholeness at any moment in our lives -- even in our most troubled relationships.

When I work with people who are approach<P>
<FONT SIZE="+1"><B>Contents</B></FONT>
<P><BR>
<B>Part One: The Four Things</B>
<P>
Chapter 1: Saying the Four Things<BR>
Chapter 2: The Healing Power of Words<BR>
Chapter 3: Completing Relationships<BR>
Chapter 4: Transformations
<P><BR>
<B>Part Two: Forgiveness</B>
<P>
Chapter 5: Loved Ones Live On Inside Us<BR>
Chapter 6: Resolving a Legacy of Pain<BR>
Chapter 7: The Emotional Economics of Forgiveness<BR>
Chapter 8: Extreme Acts of Forgiveness<BR>
Chapter 9: Forgiving Yourself<BR>
Chapter 10: Living with Uncertainty and Illness
<P><BR>
<B>Part Three: Thank You</B>
Chapter 11: Practicing Gratitude<BR>
Chapter 12: The Unexpected Grace of Reconnection<BR>
Chapter 13: The Family Dynamics of Gratitude
<P><BR>
<B>Part Four: I Love You</B>
<P>
Chapter 14: Creative Ways of Saying the Four Things<BR>
Chapter 15: Loving the Body<BR>
Chapter 16: Living Every Day as if It Were Your First -- or Last<BR>
Chapter 17: Lives Intertwined with Love
<P><BR>
<B>Part Five: Good-bye</B>
<P>
Chapter 18: Nothing Left Unsaid<BR>
Chapter 19: The Mysterious Magic of Some Good-byes<BR>
Chapter 20: Good-byes That Are Gifts Through Time<BR>
Chapter 21: Good-byes That Celebrate Life
<P>
Afterword: Reflections Before Good-bye<BR>
Acknowledgments<BR>
Index